I’m going to have to mull this over, Stef! I grew up with people quick to know, and express, their opinions, while I was much slower. Sometimes I felt pressured to state mine, when I didn’t have one. If I did say something, it might be questioned or argued with, and that would feel terrible. So I totally resonate with the blankness around others, mostly my family.
Yes! I recognize this feeling. It's not about pleasing, it's about getting lost. I think we've also talked about the 'boredom' complex which is part of this.
so much this. Learning about some of my neurospicy flavors and recognizing that additional time to process input and questions, especially verbal input, is a recognized and valid part of some of those flavors, has helped me grant myself a little bit of grace when I need that extra time (and it often needs to be silent or at least without additional input while I'm processing the first set).
It's helped to establish a code with some support people of holding up ASL "t" (for turtle) or texting back a turtle emoji when I want to convey "that's a good valid question and I need some time to process it and answer honestly/thoroughly." And when dealing with loved ones who hae very different processing styles, it has worked well to have everyone have a scratch pad to jot down ideas/reminders without interrupting - helps reduce the anxiety that they'll forget the thing if they don't get it out NOW.
This speaks to me so much at the moment. I’m experiencing anxiety consciously for the first time this year and it’s terrifying but off the back of 3 years binging after a lifetime of disordered eating. I always thought I knew what I want but as I’ve realised my anxiety is an alarm when I don’t feel safe to be who I am I’m coming to really question my identity. Does it resonate with anyone else that I know what I don’t want, but for the life of me I have no idea what I do want?! I’m trying to use self compassion to coach myself that there is no perfect decision so I can try things and learn more about my true self without judgement that I made the “wrong” choice. Any other tips from others?
Absolutely relatable - sometime what I don't want/need is soooo much easier to identify than what I do. It's taken me a long time to come to a point where I can view that imbalance as "at least it's narrowing down the possibilities" - the more things I can rule OUT, the better chance I have to (someday) figure out what to rule IN. Looking at it as data and experiments has been helpful for me but I'm a scinetist in my day job so I likely have more practice at that mindset than some others do.
Similarly, when in treatment I was asked to journal on what I was willing to do to achieve recovery. I couldn't answer that - still can't tbh - but I was able to at least identify some things I *wasn't* willing to do in order to recover. That was a starting spot for figuring out some needs and boundaries, however twisted I got the assignment.
This is fascinating, Stefanie. I've lived much of my life in this state of having lots of thoughts until someone asked me about them, at which point I go totally blank. The name I put on it until recently was dissociating because it was safer to not have an answer and mentally leave the room than it was to say the wrong thing and suffer the consequences.
But recently I've discovered that for me it goes a step further - that disconnection goes to a state of feeling like everything around me is real, but I'm a mirage. It's called "derealization" and when I started learning about it, it blew my f***ing mind. Actually, come to think of it - I think Jessi Kneeland was the first person who said the word to me.
Your description of somebody being overly solicitous made my skin crawl just reading it - that makes me sooooooo uncomfortable. And yet, I think in the past I've been that person, because I was trying so hard to just be okay.
Thanks for the thought-provoking read. I hope you're well ❤️
I’m going to have to mull this over, Stef! I grew up with people quick to know, and express, their opinions, while I was much slower. Sometimes I felt pressured to state mine, when I didn’t have one. If I did say something, it might be questioned or argued with, and that would feel terrible. So I totally resonate with the blankness around others, mostly my family.
Yes! I recognize this feeling. It's not about pleasing, it's about getting lost. I think we've also talked about the 'boredom' complex which is part of this.
so much this. Learning about some of my neurospicy flavors and recognizing that additional time to process input and questions, especially verbal input, is a recognized and valid part of some of those flavors, has helped me grant myself a little bit of grace when I need that extra time (and it often needs to be silent or at least without additional input while I'm processing the first set).
It's helped to establish a code with some support people of holding up ASL "t" (for turtle) or texting back a turtle emoji when I want to convey "that's a good valid question and I need some time to process it and answer honestly/thoroughly." And when dealing with loved ones who hae very different processing styles, it has worked well to have everyone have a scratch pad to jot down ideas/reminders without interrupting - helps reduce the anxiety that they'll forget the thing if they don't get it out NOW.
This speaks to me so much at the moment. I’m experiencing anxiety consciously for the first time this year and it’s terrifying but off the back of 3 years binging after a lifetime of disordered eating. I always thought I knew what I want but as I’ve realised my anxiety is an alarm when I don’t feel safe to be who I am I’m coming to really question my identity. Does it resonate with anyone else that I know what I don’t want, but for the life of me I have no idea what I do want?! I’m trying to use self compassion to coach myself that there is no perfect decision so I can try things and learn more about my true self without judgement that I made the “wrong” choice. Any other tips from others?
Great insight as always Stef!
Absolutely relatable - sometime what I don't want/need is soooo much easier to identify than what I do. It's taken me a long time to come to a point where I can view that imbalance as "at least it's narrowing down the possibilities" - the more things I can rule OUT, the better chance I have to (someday) figure out what to rule IN. Looking at it as data and experiments has been helpful for me but I'm a scinetist in my day job so I likely have more practice at that mindset than some others do.
Similarly, when in treatment I was asked to journal on what I was willing to do to achieve recovery. I couldn't answer that - still can't tbh - but I was able to at least identify some things I *wasn't* willing to do in order to recover. That was a starting spot for figuring out some needs and boundaries, however twisted I got the assignment.
This is fascinating, Stefanie. I've lived much of my life in this state of having lots of thoughts until someone asked me about them, at which point I go totally blank. The name I put on it until recently was dissociating because it was safer to not have an answer and mentally leave the room than it was to say the wrong thing and suffer the consequences.
But recently I've discovered that for me it goes a step further - that disconnection goes to a state of feeling like everything around me is real, but I'm a mirage. It's called "derealization" and when I started learning about it, it blew my f***ing mind. Actually, come to think of it - I think Jessi Kneeland was the first person who said the word to me.
Your description of somebody being overly solicitous made my skin crawl just reading it - that makes me sooooooo uncomfortable. And yet, I think in the past I've been that person, because I was trying so hard to just be okay.
Thanks for the thought-provoking read. I hope you're well ❤️